Thursday, January 13, 2011

Just Be

Morning breaks fragile and glorious, all at once, and I feel it today. The cold, despite the beauty aches in my limbs. Silly me to rush out with bare hands and slippered feet to catch the birthing sun. Coming inside there is not much relief. The oil gone, the wood stove a pile of starved ashes- they burden me. How could we have gone through that oil so quickly?  Thankfully, arrangements are made for a morning delivery, and I am out the door to run an errand, ALONE!

It has been almost six weeks, and he is almost home, but four days is too long. The children need their father and I need my husband.

I pull into a  parking lot...yes, a parking lot, a little bit of heaven. My coffee is steaming and I park.

The sun is brilliant. I close my eyes. I sit. Bask. The warmth, ahhhhhhh.....  the warmth- thawing my limbs AND emotions.

 I used to cry all the time. Now I can't remember the last time. Has it been years? months? I don't know. But there's something about sitting in the sun..the sun....the SON.... Yes, sitting in HIS presence, that melts frozen memories and loosens frailties. All the mental debris breaks away like chunks of ice, and the tears flow.

And all the debris runs together- a river of confusion. I don't know if I am happy, sad, relieved, sore, tired or a little bit of everything? I don't need to figure it out. I just need to BE. I wrap the moment around myself and pray to bring some of this energy, this warmth, this LIGHT to a cold and naked world.