I was surprised yesterday morning to wake up to the sight of a Robin on snowy limb, and I was more surprised that the sight of snow- covered ground elicited a response of delight in my soul. Just the night before I had gone to bed in darkness, eyes fixed on the dim glow of a street lamp nestled in fog. I didn't think we would get the snow that was expected, and I was glad of that.
I have been in Spring mode for a couple of weeks now, shedding winter like a stiff coat. When I was young, I was the child who asked on Christmas night, "Mommy, how many days is it until Easter?" Always moving on, always looking forward. And how many gifts have I missed in my life, how many small joys of the present moment have been overlooked by the eyes scanning distant horizons?
God has ways of undoing hearts, and this undoing of Spring left me undone.My soul startled by all this winter beauty that I didn't want- me always thinking I know what I need, me always doubting. Doubting. And I am ashamed because I scale life's days in this subtle veil of doubt that pervades all. And how can it not? How can a traveler journey thousands of miles and not sag under the burden of a hundred pound weight on his back?
I think I'm not a doubting person; I know there is a God that governs all and loves me infinitely. How then, does this doubt worm into my heart? This doubt made manifest in the questioning, the unwillingness to accept what God has given me in life?
The last few days I have been praying prayers that place emphasis on the unworthiness and wretchedness of my soul in the presence of God. In an age of saccharine self esteem and feel-good spam run amuck, self-deprecation is seen as a disease to eradicate, wipe out.
I thought about that on my walk yesterday. God loves me, he sees the goodness in me, he died for me-what precious gifts. The unlimited mercy and boundlessness of it all overwhelms. But how can I sincerely comprehend the vastness of what He has done for me, if I am not in need of a Savior?
What is sight to the blind? Food to the starving? Water to the parched? Balm to the chafed? It's all the unattainable. Nothing has as much value as that which is rare and seemingly out of our grasp.
If I stand before God filled with my own self-worth, thinking I know what's best, confident in my own goodness...Why do I need Him?
We can only trust as far as we depend. We can be assured of who God is, what He does, and how He provides only if we acknowledge our own debility and weakness as we stand in his truly awesome presence.
And when I see the infinitesimal of self, I can behold the grandeur of God. When I am dependent upon Him for my very Salvation, not because of anything I have done, only then can I trust Him to shelter me in every storm. Only then will I not doubt who He is.
When I let God undo who I am to the very core, when I let Him take that vulnerable mess and restore, I can see who I am meant to be- called to righteousness, recreated and fashioned in his very being.. It's only when I find my reflection in God that self is not distorted.
If I look to the world to find myself, the reflection is depravity. How can lies mirror truth? How can looking into shattered glass reveal honest proportions? The only way to find myself , to find truth, to quell the doubts, is to become undone and find myself in Him.