Anna

Anna.
Her name means gracious, one who gives, or favored by God.
She cut her hair. She played. She wore her new dress. She slept. She swept.
I love this girl!

This Lent

I walk in a different direction today to surge with rising waters. The rain has gathered and flows on through creeks and rivers. I want to enfold in that swelling, the fullness of Spring and rebirth.

I walk with animals this morning: a frisky puppy, a most affectionate kitten, and a patient mature dog; rock solid, he is- the most amazing dog ever.

Puppy tangles in leash befuddling eager steps. He stops me here- at this place I need to be. Thorns sear sky blue and pierce my thoughts. Earth flows and swells and thorns crown all this beauty.

Lent begins on Wednesday, and Lord where do you want to bring me in those forty days? How do I get there? To You? How can this tangle of thorns unfurl  life's blossom?

Light stirs on hurried water, and He flows in me. I feel God's presence, His awesome power, His majesty.

I am enraptured by Creation...and this moment. This prism of loveliness and all things good.

I delight in all life leaping and chanting "Spring!"

 Then a moment of panic: the kitten. The kitten! He

followed me down here and he is nowhere to be seen. I search frantically for him and look up to see Roy, our  yellow lab, standing in the middle of the lane. Usually he comes bounding along with me, so I was surprised to see him just standing there.

I call and call him, but he will not budge. He is the most obedient dog I have ever known, so this too catches me off guard. He is immovable, a soldier standing resolute. 

Then I notice something else.

He had been waiting.....for the kitten.  My little lost kitten, lost to me in my giddy revelry. But Roy knew. And he silently waited, not in a hurry. As soon as Mittens (the kitten) caught up, Roy came too.

In that instant, in the tender gesture of an animal, I knew the answer. It became clear to me what I need to do this Lent.

WAIT.

I think of bygone Lents and of my attitude coming into Lent. What can I do for God? What can I give up? What do I need to do?

It's been all about me. I think I'm being holy by giving up coffee or sweets , not that those things aren't good to give up. It's all in the intention. Isn't it strange how God reveals himself in the simplest of ways? Seeing my dog standing there waiting, I realized that the reason we give things up during Lent is to empty ourselves out for the filling of God. We do not unite ourselves to Christ in suffering by giving up sweets. We unite our souls to God, partake in his suffering by waiting . Waiting patiently and having faith that like the Spring, CHRIST WILL COME AGAIN!

We need to hollow and wait. Hollow and wait. Empty vessels, waiting to be filled.

I walk back to the barn to feed the chickens. There is a little girl waiting for me in a doorway.

She is cold, and she shivers. "Mommy I was waiting for you. Do you want me to help you feed the chickens?"

"Yes, lovely. You always wait for Mama don't you? You know the secret."

"What secret, Mommy? I love secrets."

"Let's feed the chickens, and then I'll show you ."

"Can you show me the secret now, Mommy?"

"Follow me into the barn."

She reaches her dimpled hand in to scoop up eggs, the first of the year, and she holds that secret in her hand: the mystery of waiting, the mystery of resurrection. Fresh life nestled in straw, promise of birth.

I look on starkness, a vulnerable landscape just waking from Winter's sleep and it's always the longest wait when it's almost over. But I know the secret now, too. I know what will happen if I only trust and wait.

Where It All Starts

 Does she look for patches of  blue in that weeping gray?

Raindrops soak the earth, pouring out the world's unrest on a stark land. And she stands there just gazing , mesmerized by droplets of water that ripple and clasp, coil and slip on smudged window panes.

Only moments earlier I had been pinned by swirling blue- the craziness of it all- rain battering my temple and swelling in puddles, light leaping and luminous, all at once.

The perpetual admonition of nature to us is, “The world is new, untried. Do not believe the past. I give you the universe new and unhandled every hour."  ~Emerson

Life- so unpredictable, so mixed-up. I web my existence in a cocoon, spinning out days of making a home, tending souls, talking of cooking and weight loss and bringing up babies. Such a cozy place it is, a nestled in kind of living that insulates.

But I know there is a reality beyond the cocoon-  the ugliness of fighting and angry souls.  There are ills that cry out in anguish that only God can heal.

 
And tomorrow...tomorrow a loving husband and father emerges from our cocoon to root out the evil that lies thick in this world. I don't know where he is going, and he spends his last night home playing chess with his teenage son. I don't know when we will hear from him or what he will say or what he will have to do when he is gone. He leaves to provide for us, to keep us safe in our cocoon, waiting for his return.

Like the weather, I am confusion. There is peace. Gratitude. Love. Understanding. But there is also a hollowed out ache that plunges deep. This unknowing, this unrest-  but then...and this is the reality...

Do We ever know? Do we ever know what will happen in life? Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing. Not even my next breath.

Rain pounds and sun illuminates on this crazy, mixed-up day, and strangely it quells the surging of my heart- because all life is bitter sweet, and bittersweet is beautiful.

God manifests his grandeur in the glory of raging skies that light and dim in perfect harmony, and It IS all good.

Years ago, a friend of mine prayed the following Bible verse for me, and it was life changing. I have memorized the verse, and I repeat it to myself often:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7)

I pray for peace every day- peace in the world, peace in my family, peace in my heart. That's where it all has to start.  In our own hearts.

Her Pink Shoes

"Everyone needs to get in the car NOW!!" I am screaming once again from the kitchen. Always in a hurry, always running late, the bustle and hustle of a frenzied family- trying to do lessons, exercise, go to practices-all these luxuries that fill and overflow our days, sometimes to the point of breaking.

"Does Anna have socks and shoes on, Emily?"
"Um...yes. She has socks and shoes on..."
"Well, please bring her out to the car, then!"

I get a quick glimpse of Anna and I am jolted-yes jolted out of this fumbling moment. Little girl, stands so proud in her shorts, arms stuffed with clothes, pink shoes and bold socks speak confidence. What makes me grab my camera in a moment that might have normally set me fussing again?

In that moment, I see what most of us adults lack: self confidence. The ability to me who I am in the face of all that is not me. Every day, in so many ways, I know why the Lord tells us to become like children!

He tells us :

"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." (Romans 12:2)

The droplets of water, settling on a limb, they seek to conform...but in pulling forth, in moving on, in not conforming, they become beautiful.

Why is it that we teach our children to conform in so many damaging ways, and then we're surprised that they do not think on their own, express their feelings, come up with new ideas?

I walked on this icy morning, and I thought about Conformity. There is a healthy and helpful conformity that binds people together. We cannot just all go about doing and saying whatever we want. That is not the conformity that Paul speaks of. He is speaking against the dangerous conformity that lures our hearts and minds away from the will of God.

So if not conform, then what?

"Be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

We need to renew...RE-NEW, make new over and over, our minds- every day, every moment. We must take time to read God's word, pray, meditate, keep still and quiet..and feel our minds being transformed.

And this transformation? Why? So that we can:

"prove what the will of God is."

By NOT conforming to this world, by renewing our minds and hearts, we become A testimony to others of WHO GOD IS.

When we say "No!" to the world, when we choose not to conform in ways that are harmful to the dignity of life, when we make the choice to do the right thing at the cost of rejection, we become an instrument of God.

It's so difficult, and I fail in so many ways, every day, but that's why we have to continually be renewed...for the strength to make good choices.

I think one of the reasons I find nature so healing, is because of what it teaches me about God.

All nature conforms perfectly with the will of God precisely through its nonconformity. All nature speaks of the symmetry and perfection of a loving creator who molded each droplet, chiseled every crystal, curled each leaf into a manifesto of exquisite nonconformity.

All the details of a landscape, their differences orchestrated into one grand masterpiece, reveal that nonconformity, in the hands of a loving father, conforms to perfection.

And we, in our nonconformity, and through the renewing of our minds, can be brought to perfection in Christ who has deemed us His greatest masterpiece.

A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.

~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I come home from my walk, mind renewed, to a small girl shivering, wanting Mama. I see pink boots on huddled legs, and hope that one day I can be like that little girl.